“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
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Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.