WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
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Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.