It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
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Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
I falcon love using swear birds
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother