I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
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I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.