Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
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My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.