ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
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we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
This kid is a star!