MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
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Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
me hitting on a model
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
No, he would not have.