If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
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These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
My what?