JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
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My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.