HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
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[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.