My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
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Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles