I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
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An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
What my back needs
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…