If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
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A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Help Wanted
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM