You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
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Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number