{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
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My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Maths meets science
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.