My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
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As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.