*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
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If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue: