*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
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One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.