Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
You Might Also Like
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Velcrow
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two