Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
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“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Breaking news:
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
just got my engagement photos
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
The honesty is refreshing
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.