my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
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Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.