Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
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My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
LMAO
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom