[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
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I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.