“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
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My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.