Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
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Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”