A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
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Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Google reviews are always so mixed..
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.