[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
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My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.