thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
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The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.