Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
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Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
dude it’s called proctologist
Thinking about Jeff
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket