If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
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Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.