Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
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I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
who will stop them
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking