I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
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If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching