As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
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[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
I’m Sold!
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.