dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
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Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?