[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
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My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
How high do the levels go?
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.