If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
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[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
HELP 😭
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
#damn
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
The Book. The Movie.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.