*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
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[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again