saving face 👀
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If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”