How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
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If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN