me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
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At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.