me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
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But that’s none of my business
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.