If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
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People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
You sure about that?
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.