{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
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stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe