When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
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German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”