My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
You Might Also Like
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
This is a true ally.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels