dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
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I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.