ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
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Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing