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dictator is short for richard potato
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
mechanics be like
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.