What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
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Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Posting this on behalf of a friend
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.