*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
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[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Before & after 😅
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.